


A Cursed Day

by The_Amarathine_Carrion



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: (Slaps fic) You can fit so many trends into this bad boy!, Crack, Felix Hugo Fraldarius Being an Asshole, M/M, Sometimes a shitpost just sings to you, Sylvain Jose Gautier Being An Idiot, Sylvain has the succy-cups, Yeehaw Gautier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Amarathine_Carrion/pseuds/The_Amarathine_Carrion
Summary: Sylvain gains some questionable body modifications in his pursuit to become the ultimate sex god.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	A Cursed Day

**Author's Note:**

> This horrible fic is inspired by @sunnybone’s cursed Slyvain pic, which can be found [here](https://twitter.com/acemorningstar/status/1264969552057819137?s=21)

Sylvain had really outdone himself this time. There’s no way Felix would be able to resist. 

When Hubert came to him asking if he’d be willing to participate in a string of experiments, he’d been, naturally, hesitant. It didn’t seem like there was much in it for him. But when he overheard Felix talking about how he could never miss Edelgard and Lysethia on the battlefield with their white hair, he had a change of heart. What if Felix couldn’t find him when he needed help? Sylvain couldn’t let that happen.

So, he’d agreed, and little by little Hubert did his best to bring out only the best qualities one could find in a young, available Faerghus bachelor. They’d started with the hardest transition, upon Sylvain’s request. Might as well get the tough part out of the way, right? Well, it sucked. Hard. Speaking of that—he can’t anymore. Oh well, at least he had these...cuppy things. He could climb walls with them, probably. He’d have to try it out later, after he was finished destroying Felix’s. 

Next had been the ears. Those were annoying. Not only were they furry and super itchy, it seemed like they connected to the nerves of his juicy new appendages. Every time they twitched so did tentacles number three, four, and nine. Heh. Yeah, that one. Looks like they kept it, it was just hidden under tentacle number six and shoved all the way in the back by the love sacs. Hubert’s naming policies, not his. 

He wasn’t really sure what the teeth were all about, but he let them come in with a nail file to sharpen them before downing a mysterious vial of liquid that tasted a little like something he never wanted to think about again. Felix liked teeth right? He always was pretty bitey. He likes to show them a lot, so maybe it was like a peacock thing. If Sylvain flashed his teeth at him, he’s sure Felix would come running—to fuck or to fight was the answer he’d have to find out at his grave or his sweet, sweet rapture to heaven. 

By this time, his hair had grown a little, and Sylvain started to notice patches of white. He didn’t know how long it would take for it to spread, but at least it wasn’t falling out. A hat fixed that problem. Unfortunately, the only spare Hubert had lying around was one with a wide brim and a high crown. It didn’t look half bad, actually, the only problem was he hit the tops of doorways wherever he went. He asked Dedue what he did to avoid them and only received silence. Maybe Sylvain should have waited until he was finished in the outhouse but he was really desperate! His hat had already fallen off five times and he was tired of having to sweep it from the ground gracefully with one hand, placing it back on his head with a wink and a “yeehaw!”

It was getting harder to pull off those kinds of tricks. Sylvain’s eyesight was getting worse. He didn’t even want to shave because he might cut himself. Eventually, Hubert deemed him worthy of a physician’s visit when he knocked over an entire table of medical instruments thinking it was a horse laden with supplies. His dex growth was the second lowest in his house and hardly boosted by his class, so Sylvain wasn’t surprised when the physician deemed him, “handsome, but a complete wreck in every other category”. He always could count on Manuela to be brutally candid, even without a few drinks in her system. 

Honestly, he was really starting to dig his new look. The scruff on his face and chest made him feel like he’d already inherited the title of Margrave. His tits were pretty fat too. Before long, they’d jiggle like a pot full of famous Gautier cheese. He loved the dish so much, he might have indulged just a _little_. He spent the greater part of a few months looking down past his open shirt to watch them bounce as he chewed— fascinated. 

Hubert was so encouraging, calling him the “perfect subject”, and it was hard for Sylvain to believe anyone would turn him down after that. He squelched his way over to the creepy vampire man, eager to get his final inspection.

“Hm. It still appears as if there is something missing...ah.” Hubert delicately removes the thick black gloves he used to test the viscosity of Sylvain’s tentacle juice. They’re irresistibly erotic, goth, and waterproof. “That will do.” 

Oh yeah. He was sexy. Time to rock Felix’s world. 

Felix is polishing swords when Sylvain finds him, and he really should have practiced stealth in this new body, because his lower half was almost sliced into sashimi. His tentacles tingled tantalizingly, thankfully, throwing the thoroughly terse swordsman into the tower. 

Felix snarled as he emerged, dusting himself off before pointing at the various new aspects of Sylvain’s studdified body.

“What the fuck are you wearing?” 

“Oh this?” Sylvain attempted to twirl, twisting up in the tentacles and tumbling toward Felix instead. His succy cups flopped uselessly off of the grass, but he took well to the tumble, rolling over onto his back. “Just a few things I picked up from Hubert. Like what you see?” 

“No.” Felix completely ignores all of the permanent body modifications in favor of picking on the removable accessories. “Why did you assume I wanted you to wear that?” 

Sylvain frowns, his heart sinking. “You don’t like the hat?” He pulls it off of his head with his huge honkin’ hands, holding it under his chin with a sad whimper. Tentacles three, four and nine wiggle alongside his foxy ears in a plea for attention.

Felix isn’t amused at his demonstration. “Not that, you idiot. I meant the gloves.”

Sylvain’s jaw drops, revealing his costume party vampire fangs.They were an early birthday present from Hubert when he admitted to the broody retainer that he just didn’t feel quite bitey enough. “The gloves...wait a minute, are you serious? You don’t think the _gloves_ are the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Tentacles three, four and nine slink surreptitiously across the ground as Felix continues to bitch. “No, I don’t think that shit’s sexy. It’s unsanitary. That’s not going anywhere near my holes.”

As a matter of fact, it would go somewhere near Felix’s holes. There’s no time to prepare another rebuttal, however, as he is hastily hoisted into the hairy haven of Sylvain’s unnaturally fat tits. He squirms and screams what Sylvain can only imagine are obscenities tragically wasted on motorboating. He kicks at Sylvain’s dad bod belly, bouncing offbeat rhythms that Sylvain can’t help but sway to while he tries to shove the cowboy hat over Felix’s furious face. There, now he looks a little like a hot chick riding a bull- except the bull was really an amalgamation of extremely cursed lovecraftian shitposting content conveniently contained in one horny ginger package. 

Sylvain’s supernova hands search Felix’s spine while he spies him seductively from behind his spectacles. At least they weren’t bifocals. Even with his newfound strength and thrice multiplied tentacles, he wasn’t sure he could handle two murderous Felixes. He was less bitey than Sylvain expected and more stabby. 

Felix finally breaks his face free from tentacles three and four, throwing his head back and showing his teeth as he growled between staggering breaths. It was working! The peacocking was working! Felix really did have it bad for these hot new trends. Hubert was such a fashion genius; how could he have ever doubted his power? 

Felix sinks his teeth into one of the humongous bazoingas that breasted boobily down the corridor on their way to smother him, spitting over the copious hair there that Sylvain made sure Hubert permed just for this moment. He flails, tipping his head backward and sending the straw-hewn allegory flying off to be immediately snatched by the wind. 

“My hat!” Sylvain cries, extending tentacles six and seven to grope fecklessly at the air. He narrows his eyes at Felix, squeezing him harder in his torment, all nine of the tentacles creeping steadily up Felix’s body until everything but his eyes and his mouth are covered in oozy, succy goodness. 

“I was just borrowing it.” He pouts, bringing Felix’s face closer to tentacle number nine. “Hubert’s going to be pissed when he finds out you lost it. How else do you plan on repaying him?” 

As for what happens to Felix next, well… one would have to search all fifty-two pages of the Fire Emblem Kinkmeme. 


End file.
